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3 December 2021, Victorian Pride Centre, Melbourne, Australia
Doug and Stephen have spoiled me rotten almost my entire adult life. When I was in my twenties, I told them I wanted a sperm cocktail if I wasn’t married with kids by the time I was 35. I didn’t care who was the Dad, you couldn’t choose one over the other.
‘DougnSteve’ has been one word for a long time: Doug who made laugh and Stephen who loves to laugh. If the baby was blonde or dark we’d know who the Dad was.
I learned about the world through both these men. I always thought of them as much, much older as they were, always so good at being adults. They’d take me to beautiful restaurants, to a 5-star resort and tell me stories about exotic things like mortgages and volcanoes. I’d often find a fiddy in my bag after visiting, to pay for a vet bill or a bald tyre when I thought acting in profit share plays was the way to go. They have always been there for me when pets, parents and people I loved died. ‘You know where we are, we are here,’ is Stephen’s most common phrase. Stephen who sends a thank you note if you had them over lunch. Who says “oh poor baby, when I had a cold” or some minor ailment. Anyway we’ve heard beautiful stories about Doug’s past and I’d like to talk about the end of the story for our storyteller, when the heroes shine through. Some of you know it and some of you won’t.
Doug had an amazing career but the most important part of Doug’s life was Stephen.
I’ve followed their love story for a very long time. They had been together for a short time when I was first smitten by Doug’s charms. It’s been a 40-year marriage that became official in 2018! Stephen would like to thank Magda for her contribution to marriage equality. Stephen had been a carer for Doug after his stroke for a long time, and Doug had survived his first bout of encephalitis when they got married. When Doug was in ICU the first time with this disease, surrounded by machines, the doctors were completely mystified, it took them quite a while to diagnose. Stephen was terrified, there were a million tubes and wires to Doug’s skull and Doug was delirious and when he told the nurses scurrying around him, “This is my boyfriend and this is my girlfriend, and they both like looking at naked men.” Anyway he made it through but he knew he had come close to dying that first round with encephalitis and was determined to marry his man.
His speech at their wedding was very typical of Doug, “there is enormous pressure on me as a writer to come up with the right words so I looked to the greats: I searched through the sonnets of Shakespeare, none of them were good enough for my Stephen; I looked to Chaucer, to Blake, none of them were right. So I looked to the words of the great…. Ronnie Barker: “What luck! What luck to have met this man, this beautiful, kind and sweet man, what luck, what luck!“
I’ve put up a photo of Doug with Sascha my dog. They had something special going on —we’d go for walks and Doug said he felt really powerful walking my wolf. Walking was still a challenge after his stroke. I took him to a bar for dinner in Fitzroy Street where the barman had invited me in previously, and made of a fuss of my dogs. I thought it would be fun for Doug. Anyway, it was a busy Friday night and the owner was pissed off because the dogs were taking up room as they do, spreading themselves out on the floor. He still served us dinner but he was grumpy, and as we were leaving Doug slipped him a 20 to thank him. That’s who Doug was, gracious and polite.
My dogs were a way to reach Doug when he had no words, when he was very ill. He could commune with Sascha but not Tinker so much…. her head was too big apparently. You will see them together later and thank goodness The Alfred and the rehab allows pets on the bed, on the white sheets, no questions asked. During that very harrowing time which, fortunately, Doug had little to no memory of, there were moments of great beauty where his soul, character and talent shone through. On the few occasions I visited him when Stephen wasn’t actually there, (Stephen would have to be almost terminal himself to not be there, he showed up from breakfast to dinner every day for a year bringing Doug delicacies and comfort, never leaving his side, you couldn’t drag him away). Anyway there was a time when Doug could only communicate in verse, he complemented me on fine attire, I can’t remember how he rhymed, something brilliant… and when Stephen called on the phone “You’re company to me is sweeter than wine” and another brilliant rhyme, I won’t even try. Apparently, this rhyming thing happens to other patients too but Doug sounded like Shakespeare. No wonder the nurses loved him
Another time he was really distressed as he could only hum — words weren’t coming out. The man who could repeat the script from a movie word for word after seeing it once, couldn’t speak! So I played him the humming chorus. He calmed down, the composer, the musician that he was, began humming the notes perfectly. A moment of great beauty. No wonder the nurses loved him.
Once he was really concerned, as he was convinced that every object in the rehab room was about to fly and he wanted me to leave to be safe. Our very own Dr Who episode. Stephen and Doug shared a great love, and Doug and I shared a great love of Dr Who. This is who he was even in his confusion, he wanted to put my safety above his. Doug always wanted to write a Dr Who episode. What a fucking cracker it would have been. Great beauty.
When Doug came down with encephalitis a second time, he came close to dying many times and the doctors were convinced he would never leave hospital. And the reason he survived this long is down to one thing, and one thing only — Stephen’s love, and his mantra “you’re getting better Douglas, You’re getting better”. Stephen who moved heaven and earth and brought in a High Court judge to bring him home after a year in hospital. And he gave Doug the best life he possibly could. Stephen who would bring books to any nurse in hospital who was kind to Doug, the nurse who took Doug for wheelies in his wheelchair, the nurse who took the time to hold Doug’s hand. Pretty much every nurse who cared for Doug would fall in love with this man, who was always polite and courteous even when he was in great pain.
Stephen created a family of carers in their home. ‘Home’ that sacred word. I’m bringing you home, Doug. They brought Doug joy; Andrew, Sachie and Nathan, their good friend David and the lady who brought cake, I’m sorry I can’t remember your name, all these amazing humans were Prozac to Doug. They showed up the day he died, showed up to his cremation and showed up today. I think true love is not that heady romance at the start of a relationship, it’s showing up every day as Stephen has done for the last 10 years when things were tough. Let’s face it, things the last three years were hellish. This man who is made of integrity and warmth and empathy. Who tethered the lifeline to Doug in his astronaut pyjamas and kept him going, kept him wanting to live. Despite all the pain that Doug was in, he just wanted to keep waking up and seeing Stephen’s face. I know you all want to show Stephen how sorry you are but keep it brief today. He’s keeping it together beautifully, but there’s years to come when you can show Stephen some love.
I’d like to thank everyone who has showed up today, who’ve given their time and brought their love. I’d like to pay tribute to the people at this amazing venue, the people on the front desk who were always so welcoming, to Justine the CEO who gave us so much time, to Ingrid the venue coordinator who bought those stunning rainbow cups for us to use, and to Dannii and to Michael from Joy FM who went above and beyond to make all this happen. I hope it’s the start of many marriages, celebrations and funerals for this community. What a gorgeous space for it to be held in.
When Doug was dying, I played him the humming chorus again. The doctors told us that hearing is the last sense to go. I thought I must sing, I must sing, bring him some comfort, but I’m really not a good singer. I started playing him my Spotify playlist on my phone, it was all so sudden, just to give him some music. Mama Cass came on — ‘Dream a Little Dream of Me’. I tried to sing along. Poor Doug who we thought was unconscious raised his hand in an ‘oh god, make it stop’ motion. Stephen got more morphine for him. Doug had given his last bit of feedback which we all valued so much. I think the review of your life is who shows up to your funeral. The love of your life and a large group of beautiful friends.
What luck, what luck for all of us to have known him!
We love you Doug